The men's locker room is terrifying to me. I live by few very strict rules in this hostile environment as all men should.
Rule #1. Keep your head down and your towel tight.
You must avoid eye contact at all costs, But should you be unfortunate enough to lock eyes with another half naked male you must stare at him intensely and make him believe that if he even says one word to you you will shank him with a primitive weapon you've constructed using only paper towels and your own fecal matter! friendships are not forged in the fires of men's locker rooms. Only bitter enemies. This is a strange world similar to a south American prison and should be treated as such.
Rule #2 Be prepared
Once the lights went out while i was in the middle of changing. I was paralyzed with fear. At first there was only darkness but then behind me a whisper and then another and another. i was surrounded. Giggling and whispering like tiny mischievous gremlins.....lispy demons. They began to move closer. I did what you should do in that situation. I backed against the lockers with one hand covering my crotch and the other prepared to strike. i moved parallel
to the wall all the while expecting to fall victim to the inevitable attack of the queer gnomes. I moved silently inching my way to the light. Finally reaching the sanctuary of the well lit hallway. Others were not so fortunate. Remember life is precious gentlemen and so is not being gang raped by a brood of rainbow trolls at the first sign of darkness! Heed my words men.
Rule #3 Put some fucking clothes on.
For Christ's sake if you take a shower put some clothes on before blow drying your hair! And socks don't fucking count as clothes. Once I saw an old grey bastard in nothing but his socks blow drying his balls! which were on the floor i might add. He was in nothing in ankle socks! And the cunt was really into it to. He seemed to incorporate calf raises while he did it. Maybe he forgot to workout his legs that day. I Dunno but i do know that its just wrong. Here's a list of things you should NOT do before you get dressed.
1. No brushing teeth
2. No flexing
3. No shaving. Especially down there.
4. No combing hair. Especially down there
5.No weighing yourself. Cmon guy even boxers wear undies at the official weigh in.
6. No talking. Even with clothes on you should keep that mouth shut.
The only thing you should do before getting dressed is dry off. That's it.
Rule #4
If you notice a mans zipper is down ( which you shouldn't) that is his problem. And no stupid jokes like do you have a license to sell hot dogs?? If you say that expect a fecal spear in your neck.
Rule #5 No sharing of deodorant, Towels or any toiletries for that matter.
Rule #6 Saunas are for old Asian women and Homosexual men. If you are part of either of these exclusive groups then please enjoy. Most are not.
Rule #7 No comparing of dicks. If you do then you are one of the lispy demons waiting for the next power outage.
Rule #8 Unless you just won the NBA championship you cant be giving dudes high fives in the locker room.
Rule #9 No stretching. Being limber is not to your advantage here.
Rule #10 No asking another man if you look fat or if you look like you've lost weight. Also no complementing a man on his physique. Go directly to the sauna with that kinda talk!
