A DAY AT THE SPA

So I worked like a Mexican this week. I pulled 65 hours in five days. On Friday I celebrated with about 3 pickle backs and 3 giant Fosters ( I was hammered). All I had to do on Sat was go to the spa with my girlfriend. This was her B-day gift so there was no way of getting out of it. Essentially by giving her this gift I had sealed my own fate. I have no one to blame but myself. Our appointment was conveniently scheduled at 9AM. Only 5 hours after I got home and passed out in a drunken coma. (Perfect). I wake up glassy eyed and grumpy as shit. I shake it off, shower up and head to the spa. We get there and learn we are in for an hour long jade stone massage and a detoxifying ionic foot bath. (Once again perfect). The lady gives me a key and I go and change into my robe. I read on the wall the “rules to properly spa”. Rule # 1 Get naked. Hmm…I find myself in a quandary. I’m a shy boy and prefer to error on the side of caution so I leave on my Hanes boxer briefs. I make my way to the Foot bath and meet up with my girl. The lady then soaks our feet in the detoxifying ionic bath. She also gives us a chart so we can see
how filthy we are. The chart reads:

Yellow- Lymphatic waste
White- Most likely yeast
Orange- Lady period something or other
Black- Liver waste, tobacco alcohol etc

So I’m a bit curious to see what color my night of Fosters, pickle backs and severly stepped on cocaine will bring me. As if there is any doubt it won’t be black as the night itself. 20 Minutes pass and My gals water is yellowish orange and mine is to no ones surprise black. The guy looks at me and tells me I’m full of toxins. I reply “yeah guy, I kinda had a long night”.” Now how about you fetch me that towel and wipe my feet you prick”. He wipes my feet and we all make our way to the private bungalow for our couples massage. They show us where to hang our robes and tell us the masseuses will be in shortly. Cool. I’m fired up for my massage and I’m kinda regretting not going Apache for this adventure. But whatever I’m sticking to my guns and keeping my undies on. I lay down face first and pull the sheet over me as instructed. There is a knock at the door, and the same dude who told me I was full of toxins enters the room with who I can only assume is his Puerto Rican life partner. What’s this? *Spidey sense tingling*. Am I going to have a Manssage today? That wasn’t in the pamphlet I read. It didn’t say guy on guy jade stone action. Did it? Was I some how miss informed? Maybe the masseuse’s name is jade stone. And if so is he any relation to Evan stone? God I hope not. ( only Plex and Patrick should get that reference). Fuck , fuck , fuck, I’m thinking in my head. But you know what, I decide not to let them see me sweat. Try and just relax. I say to myself you can do this Nano. (You aren’t homophobic remember?) I take a deep breath and sink into the table. He pulls the sheet down and turns on the music. I’m doing everything not to laugh. The music comes on and I shit you not It’s Enya’s sail away! Oh How I wish I could sweet, sweet Enya. I think to myself. (Are they really playing the pure moods CD from like 1992??) I’m petrified for I once owned that CD and I know what lies ahead on track 5 or so. I know my fate. He starts to rub me. His hands are soft but strong. His
forearms are prickly.  Oh God make it stop! He gets up to get a hot stone to place on my back. The song changes and my horror realized. It is the pure moods CD! And Enigma is now playing!  French chanting porn music is the soundtrack to my manssage. Pan flutes and man hands all over me for what seems like an eternity. He tells me to breathe but I’m holding my breath so I wont bust up laughing. He leaves to get more stones and I sneak a peek at the clock.  Only 5 minutes have passed! Nooooo!!!!! ?!Porque!!?. I tell myself to go to your happy place. Just go to your happy place Nano. So I Fade off onto my imagination and find myself sitting at Clayton’s bar( Bar 5 to be exact). I’m with the 6”2 stripper from the rhino that pops in on occasion. We are drinking together and laughing. We are all alone but the place is filled with a party atmosphere and is noisy. As we share a cocktail she gazes into my eyes and she tells me how she was touched as a young girl and needs me to hold her. I embrace her and ask her to show me on the doll where her stepfather touched her. We drink some more and I feel great but I can’t help but wonder how the fuck is this my happy place? Just then as if cold water was thrown on top of me I feel my Haines yanked off of me! No! My security blanket! And just like that back to reality. This fucker just pantsed me like I was in 8th grade. Perhaps he was angered that I had broken the sacred first rule of the spa! With my ass exposed he places cold stones on my buns and rubs my arms while interlocking fingers with me several times. I can’t help but laugh. He tells me he can feel me clinching and that I should stop. I reply “ no dice guy” (and of course I’m clinching. A man’s fingers are about 3 inches from my chocolate spider for Christ’s sake). We are almost done now and he asks me to flip over. (As if I have a choice) I do as he says. Now I’ve been to many Thai massage parlors and have mastered the art of the anti-erection so I am not worried about that. But I can’t stop
laughing. He thinks I’m laughing at him but I’m really laughing at the situation. I tell him thank you for the rub down and put my robe back on. As soon as they leave my lady apologizes profusely. I tell her “save her apologies, for I am going to Sam’s Hoffbrau on 9/19/10 for my B-day”. This is actually the invite to my b day on September 19th 2010. I figured I should give you some back story. (for those of you who do not know sam’s is the greatest bar/strip club ever.)