LOCKER ROOM RULES

The men's locker room is terrifying to me. I live by few very strict rules in this hostile environment as all men should.

Rule #1.   Keep your head down and your towel tight. 

You must avoid eye contact at all costs, But should you be unfortunate enough to lock eyes with another half naked male you must stare at him intensely and make him believe that if he even says one word to you you will shank him with a primitive weapon you've constructed using only paper towels and your own fecal matter! friendships are not forged in the fires of men's locker rooms. Only bitter enemies. This is a strange world similar to a south American prison and should be treated as such.

Rule #2  Be prepared

Once the lights went out while i was in the middle of changing. I was paralyzed with fear. At first there was only darkness but then behind me a whisper and then another and another. i was surrounded. Giggling and whispering like tiny mischievous gremlins.....lispy demons. They began to move closer. I did what you should do in that situation. I backed against the lockers with one hand covering my crotch and the other prepared to strike. i moved parallel 

to the wall all the while expecting to fall victim to the inevitable attack of the queer gnomes. I moved silently inching my way to the light. Finally reaching the sanctuary of the well lit hallway. Others were not so fortunate. Remember life is precious gentlemen and so is not being gang raped by a brood of rainbow trolls at the first sign of darkness! Heed my words men.

Rule #3   Put some fucking clothes on.

 

For Christ's sake if you take a shower put some clothes on before blow drying your hair!  And socks don't fucking count as clothes.   Once I saw an old grey bastard in nothing but his socks blow drying his balls! which were on the floor i might add. He was in nothing in ankle socks! And the cunt was really into it to. He seemed to incorporate calf raises while he did it.  Maybe he forgot to workout his legs that day. I Dunno but i do know that its just wrong.  Here's a list of things you should NOT do before you get dressed.

1. No brushing teeth

2. No flexing

3. No shaving. Especially down there.

4. No combing hair. Especially down there

5.No weighing yourself. Cmon guy even boxers wear undies at the official weigh in.

6. No talking. Even with clothes on you should keep that mouth shut. 

The only thing you should do before getting dressed is dry off. That's it.

Rule #4

If you notice a mans zipper is down ( which you shouldn't) that is his problem. And no stupid jokes like do you have a license to sell hot dogs??  If you say that expect a fecal spear in your neck.

 

Rule #5   No sharing of deodorant, Towels or any toiletries for that matter.

Rule #6   Saunas are for old Asian women and Homosexual men. If you are part of either of these exclusive groups then please enjoy. Most are not.

Rule #7 No comparing of dicks. If you do then you are one of the lispy demons waiting for the next power outage.

Rule #8  Unless you just won the NBA championship you cant be giving dudes high fives in the locker room.

Rule #9 No stretching. Being limber is not to your advantage here.

Rule #10  No asking another man if you look fat or if you look like you've lost weight. Also no complementing a man on his physique.  Go directly to the sauna with that kinda talk!

A DAY AT THE SPA

So I worked like a Mexican this week. I pulled 65 hours in five days. On Friday I celebrated with about 3 pickle backs and 3 giant Fosters ( I was hammered). All I had to do on Sat was go to the spa with my girlfriend. This was her B-day gift so there was no way of getting out of it. Essentially by giving her this gift I had sealed my own fate. I have no one to blame but myself. Our appointment was conveniently scheduled at 9AM. Only 5 hours after I got home and passed out in a drunken coma. (Perfect). I wake up glassy eyed and grumpy as shit. I shake it off, shower up and head to the spa. We get there and learn we are in for an hour long jade stone massage and a detoxifying ionic foot bath. (Once again perfect). The lady gives me a key and I go and change into my robe. I read on the wall the “rules to properly spa”. Rule # 1 Get naked. Hmm…I find myself in a quandary. I’m a shy boy and prefer to error on the side of caution so I leave on my Hanes boxer briefs. I make my way to the Foot bath and meet up with my girl. The lady then soaks our feet in the detoxifying ionic bath. She also gives us a chart so we can see
how filthy we are. The chart reads:

Yellow- Lymphatic waste
White- Most likely yeast
Orange- Lady period something or other
Black- Liver waste, tobacco alcohol etc

So I’m a bit curious to see what color my night of Fosters, pickle backs and severly stepped on cocaine will bring me. As if there is any doubt it won’t be black as the night itself. 20 Minutes pass and My gals water is yellowish orange and mine is to no ones surprise black. The guy looks at me and tells me I’m full of toxins. I reply “yeah guy, I kinda had a long night”.” Now how about you fetch me that towel and wipe my feet you prick”. He wipes my feet and we all make our way to the private bungalow for our couples massage. They show us where to hang our robes and tell us the masseuses will be in shortly. Cool. I’m fired up for my massage and I’m kinda regretting not going Apache for this adventure. But whatever I’m sticking to my guns and keeping my undies on. I lay down face first and pull the sheet over me as instructed. There is a knock at the door, and the same dude who told me I was full of toxins enters the room with who I can only assume is his Puerto Rican life partner. What’s this? *Spidey sense tingling*. Am I going to have a Manssage today? That wasn’t in the pamphlet I read. It didn’t say guy on guy jade stone action. Did it? Was I some how miss informed? Maybe the masseuse’s name is jade stone. And if so is he any relation to Evan stone? God I hope not. ( only Plex and Patrick should get that reference). Fuck , fuck , fuck, I’m thinking in my head. But you know what, I decide not to let them see me sweat. Try and just relax. I say to myself you can do this Nano. (You aren’t homophobic remember?) I take a deep breath and sink into the table. He pulls the sheet down and turns on the music. I’m doing everything not to laugh. The music comes on and I shit you not It’s Enya’s sail away! Oh How I wish I could sweet, sweet Enya. I think to myself. (Are they really playing the pure moods CD from like 1992??) I’m petrified for I once owned that CD and I know what lies ahead on track 5 or so. I know my fate. He starts to rub me. His hands are soft but strong. His
forearms are prickly.  Oh God make it stop! He gets up to get a hot stone to place on my back. The song changes and my horror realized. It is the pure moods CD! And Enigma is now playing!  French chanting porn music is the soundtrack to my manssage. Pan flutes and man hands all over me for what seems like an eternity. He tells me to breathe but I’m holding my breath so I wont bust up laughing. He leaves to get more stones and I sneak a peek at the clock.  Only 5 minutes have passed! Nooooo!!!!! ?!Porque!!?. I tell myself to go to your happy place. Just go to your happy place Nano. So I Fade off onto my imagination and find myself sitting at Clayton’s bar( Bar 5 to be exact). I’m with the 6”2 stripper from the rhino that pops in on occasion. We are drinking together and laughing. We are all alone but the place is filled with a party atmosphere and is noisy. As we share a cocktail she gazes into my eyes and she tells me how she was touched as a young girl and needs me to hold her. I embrace her and ask her to show me on the doll where her stepfather touched her. We drink some more and I feel great but I can’t help but wonder how the fuck is this my happy place? Just then as if cold water was thrown on top of me I feel my Haines yanked off of me! No! My security blanket! And just like that back to reality. This fucker just pantsed me like I was in 8th grade. Perhaps he was angered that I had broken the sacred first rule of the spa! With my ass exposed he places cold stones on my buns and rubs my arms while interlocking fingers with me several times. I can’t help but laugh. He tells me he can feel me clinching and that I should stop. I reply “ no dice guy” (and of course I’m clinching. A man’s fingers are about 3 inches from my chocolate spider for Christ’s sake). We are almost done now and he asks me to flip over. (As if I have a choice) I do as he says. Now I’ve been to many Thai massage parlors and have mastered the art of the anti-erection so I am not worried about that. But I can’t stop
laughing. He thinks I’m laughing at him but I’m really laughing at the situation. I tell him thank you for the rub down and put my robe back on. As soon as they leave my lady apologizes profusely. I tell her “save her apologies, for I am going to Sam’s Hoffbrau on 9/19/10 for my B-day”. This is actually the invite to my b day on September 19th 2010. I figured I should give you some back story. (for those of you who do not know sam’s is the greatest bar/strip club ever.)

The Ultimate slump buster

Every man no matter how handsome or charming goes through a drought eventually. Now by drought I do not mean lack of precipitation.  In guy language drought means no pussy around and no pussy on the horizon. After a month or so of this a man loses confidence. He may approach ladies he would bag easily and strike out. This is devastating for the psyche, thus resulting in even further loss of Confidence.  Now too fully understand the slump buster you have to understand that a man’s sex life is like Major League Baseball.  If a player isn’t performing in the bigs he has to go down to the minors to: 1.  Work on his mechanics and 2.  To play against inferior talent to get his swagger back. Such is true for a man’ s sex life. You have to go hogging sometimes.  You just do.  There is no way around it.  You go for a girl you would not give a second glance at under normal a circumstance.  A man does this to A.  Work on his technique ( Perhaps even expand his arsenal of moves ) And 2. To compete against inferior talent in order to build momentum.  Now to properly go hoggin I suggest a 4 or a 5.  Anything below a 4 and you may not be able to maintain an erection and anything 7 or above you will most likely offend with the foul maneuvers you will most likely attempt.  For instance let’ s say you are having sex with an 8 or 9.  You could very well try to give her the fun thumb but is it worth the risk?  You may as well try the seldom used rodeo technique as to immediately put your thumb in her ass.  It’s not recommended and not worth losing such a catch. 8’s and 9's don’ t just fall out of the sky, as I’ m sure you know.  Now it’ s completely different with a 4 or 5 entirely.  You can always do foul things to them because they are in an eternal slump.  We are talking about 4’ s and 5’ s for Christ’ s sake! It’ s like the old saying. “ Why do fat chicks give the best head?” “Because they have to.” Same can be said for the lowly 5 or below.  You are the perverse artist and she is your very large canvas.  Now I’m going to share a story with you some may believe to be Disgusting, embarrassing or even shameful.  I however am quite proud of this story, and will try and include every sordid detail for your amusement.  Out of respect and in order to protect the innocent I will not be using her real name.  I will use the alias “ PIG.”  Now I know what you are thinking and you’ re right.  She was anything but innocent.  PIG was filthy. But PIG is funnier than Natasha Lynn Foster, so let’ s go with PIG.  I met this woman after I had just gotten put of a relationship.  My ex had left me emotionally raped and pillaged and I found myself in a slump.  The boys and I decided to go to the 4100 bar as we did in the late 90’s.  We all decided it was time for we to get some strange. It was time to break the slump.  I approached several very nice looking ladies and came up empty.  I was all but ready to give up hope when there she was.  Waiting for me.  Feeding on beer and all alone. I pointed her out to my pals and we all agreed if I couldn’t fuck that I’ d never fuck anything again. I go over and one thing leads to another.  Next thing I know we are back at my house with our clothes off. “ She asks me if I have a condom” ? Fuck!! I’ m so used to having a girlfriend that I don’ t even have one.  She tells me not to worry because she has some in her bag. I think to myself she may be a hog but at least she’ s prepared. She reaches into what looks like a doctor’s bag and pills out a condom. I ask her what else she keeps in there? Her reply ” you’ ll find out soon enough.” Then she gets up and goes to the bathroom.  I consider peeking inside her bag, but do not out of respect for Pig’ s privacy.  She returns with 3 large beach towels and places them on my bed.  I ask her what she’ s doing? Her response “ I get kinda wet.”  I think for a second then reply “ I’ ll allow it.”  Lets just get this over with. We go at it. She’ s filthy but talented. She smells faintly of kitty litter but I charge on. !5 minutes into it and I am soaking wet. What is this curious fluid? It’ s everywhere.  It’ s musty and steamy and sticky.  15 more minutes pass and the secretion is becoming an issue. My room is transformed into the Dagobah system. A swamp planet, Rich in bacterial and microbial life.  I watch as a pair of my shoes floats away. I get up and tell her I’ m gong to get some water. Ill be right back. I go to the kitchen and close the door behind me, trying to grasp the situation. I pour myself a shot of beam’ s 8 star and whack it back. I rub my eyes and to my amazement there before me stand’ s master Yoda.  I tell him I don’ t want to go back in there. I don’ t
think I can go hogging anymore. His response. “ That is why you fail.”  I hear strange sounds coming from my room. I grab the doorknob it Investigate but before I enter I ask Yoda “ what’ s in there” ? He answers, “ Only what you take with you” and vanishes.  I open the door and enter. Pig has reached into her bag of tricks again and pulled out a giant vibrator. She tells me she needs my help to make it work. “ Is that a plug?” I ask. Pig: Yes, it needs to be plugged into an outlet.  I’ m Disgusted, but I cooperate.
I plug it into the wall and she turns it on. It doesn’t work.  She says it happens sometimes and that I need to reconnect the loose wires. Huh? You want me to do what? I’ m hesitant. But I know I have to.  I can’ t let master Yoda down.

Fast forward 10 Minutes

I’ m in my knees in half an inch of pigs vaginal juice hot wiring a dildo plugged into the wall.  Current is flowing through my body as I touch the exposed wires together.  She screams that she’ s going to cum and not to let the wires come apart.  She cranks it up to 10 and I’ m being electrocuted to death!!  Like doc brown in back to the future I scream in pain as I hold on to the wires. 1.21 gigawatts of electricity surging through me.  She finally reaches climax and the room is quiet again.  I’ m Alive, For now.  I look at her still steaming vagina. It looks like a bulldog eating a bowl of mayonnaise.  Like a gremlin left out in the sun, popping and oozing with sludge. I thank her for ruining my blankets, bed, and towels and I call Pig a cab .I never see or hear from her again.  Several years later I ran into her at the Glendale galleria where she was working as a security guard.


GLOSSARY

Fun Thumb: The act of licking your right thumb and sticking it into a person’ s asshole

Rodeo sex: While in the doggy style position the man grabs the woman by the hair and whispers in her ear I have AIDS. He then tries to stay inside of her for 8 seconds.

Sam’s Hoffbrau The tsunami sea urchin

There is a place in Downtown Los Angeles that is
simply magic. It is what Jumbo’s clown room used to be.
Take Alameda to Olympic and head west. Follow the
flashing light’s that look like you are in Vegas and you are
there. There are no cameras or cell phones allowed here.
Other forbidden items include hope, optimism and a positive
self image. The dancers have no soul in this place. If you
look one in the eye it is like looking into a shark’s eye. Do
you remember the way the captain from Jaws described a
shark’s eyeball? It is exactly the same. I will use the quote
from the movie to better help you understand. I will however
insert the word whore where shark used to be. ( In the
grizzled sea captains voice) “ Sometimes the whore looks
right at ya, right into your eye’s, and the thing is about a
whore, is she’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a dolls
eye”… No soul. So what makes this place magic you ask?
Well every time I’m here I am drunk so it is a bit foggy. I do
however remember one encounter with what I believe to be
a Korean stripper. I was sitting at the rail with my mate
enjoying a can of Tecate when she came around. She bent
over in front of us on her knees facing the other direction. I
threw $3 in front of my friend and she wiggled her filthy little
flytrap in front of him for a minute. She then moved to me. In
the same doggy style position she backed her clam almost
up to my face. It was mesmerizing. Now what I’ve learned in
my travels is that Korean ladies have very large labia lips.
This is a known fact. Going down on a Korean gal is like

sifting through a rack of bomber jackets. Hypnotized by her
large Korean Labia I followed her as she rocked back and
forth. She moved far away then Close again. She repeated
this pattern several times as we developed a rhythm
together. Almost dancing with one another we swayed back
and forth until she pulled way back. At this point I should
have sat back down. I realize that now. But hindsight is 20/
20 of course. And at the time I did not retreat. I held my
ground. Similar to Tsunami cases where victims are
paralyzed by the sight of a rapidly retreating tide. Such was
the case here. Sucked into her flower and immobilized with
intrigue she, like a Tsunami rapidly charged at me, exploding
against the shore of my face and nose! Bombarding me
again, and again with spiky revenge. It was so…so violent
and yet so precise. I fell back clutching my face in awe of
what just happened. My friend laughing as I held my
skewered face in measurable pain. It felt like someone
placed a live sea urchin in a tube sock and bashed me
several times! My friend yells “that’s how my roommate got
pink eye!” I’m no fan of pink eye, so I head to the restroom
to wash my face immediately. While in the bathroom I begin
to wonder how she acquired such attributes. Was this
learned behavior? Or even perhaps the result of natural
selection? Could it be she evolved this natural defense
through generations of whore evolution? Did she develop
this prickly resistance to discourage predators and
unacceptable mates. I may never know for certain, but
through proper research I may someday learn the truth. I
have seen my white whale and will venture back to its
habitat for further study. Any and all interest I have in Sam’s
Hoffbrau is purely scientific and in no way should be
misinterpreted as anything different.